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I’m just about finished my “salvage” radiation treatment for a recurrence of prostate cancer, 5 years after my initial diagnosis and treatment for surgery. I’ve had 32 treatments and I’m getting really, really tired of the whole thing. I lay on the table watching the machine go around me and hear if firing off 60 times from different angles and I wonder, “What the hell am I doing here?” And I have to confess that I keep asking, “Why me?” I’ve asked myself that many times over these past 5 years but it seems less fair this time around. It was bad enough to get cancer, but to have it come back and possibly stay is worse.

I think asking, “Why me?” is normal and I know there is really no answer to that question, but it’s there. What makes it worse is that I have to deal with all the emotional stuff while I’m experiencing significant fatigue and all sorts of bowel and bladder problems from the treatments. Sometimes I feel like crying because it all seems too much, especially when I’m trying to concentrate on doing something else.

Maybe I’m just feeling sorry for myself.

But who ever said that life is fair?

Posted by Doug

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This is an other wonderful book that we highly recommend. Described as “A Practical Guide to Help you Through the First Few Weeks”, it is a book that should be given to everyone the day they are diagnosed. It is written in an easy-to-read, highly informative manner to help you cope with the reeling sensation that almost everybody experiences after a diagnosis of cancer.

Written by a medical oncologist, it explains why those feelings of dread and terror are so common, despite the fact that over fifty per cent of all people with a newly diagnosed cancer will be cured. This book will help you understand the basic facts about the two hundred (or more) diseases that make up ‘the cancers’ and will give you a road-map so that you can ask the right questions of your medical team and understand the answers. It will give you a clear and accessible guide to the unfamiliar and daunting territories of diagnosis, staging, treatment and prognosis (among other things).

If explains what the future holds in a straightforward six-step guide. It then goes on to discuss the methods of treatment (surgery, radiotherapy, chemotherapy and biological therapy) and then other major issues such as the effect of the mind and attitude, the popularity of complementary remedies and other subjects.

Dr Robert Buckman is a medical oncologist at the Princess Margaret Hospital, a Consultant in Education and Communication and a professor in the University of Toronto. He appears on television and radio discussing aspects of health, particularly cancer treatments.

One of the really nice things about Dr. Buckman and this book is that a portion of the proceeds from the book goes directly to cancer research!

Posted by Doug

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This past holiday season was, as always, a great time to get together with friends. Being diagnosed with cancer, and experiencing how different people react, causes you to really think about who your real friends are, what you need to get from a friendship, and how you want to be as a friend. Some of the recent comments on this site have dealt with friends who have deserted and the terrible feelings of loss this brings at a time when we are most vulnerable.

Having cancer convinced me to turn my back on “toxic personalities”, people who sucked my energy without giving anything back. But I was also surprised by how some people, who I thought were really close, seemed to distance themselves from me. Equally surprising was how some, more casual friends really stepped up and showed me an incredible amount of compassion. I decided then to focus on a smaller number of friends and to concentrate on being a good friend to them. So while I love being with people, I will always choose a small gathering at a friend’s house over a party. And you know what….. it works. I miss some of my old friendships but I am getting so much out of my current ones (including some long-standing ones) that I know I’ve made the right decision. Having said this, I still have lots of more casual friends and will always, always have room in my life for new friends.

To all my friends, past and present, I say thank you for being a part of my life. To all of the new people I am meeting, including some very special friends that I have met through this blog, I say thank you for coming into my life.

Posted by Doug

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This was a different New Year’s Eve for me as I had my 13th of 33 Salvage Radiation treatments to ring out the old year and hopefully my recurrence. Thankfully, I had Christmas Day and Boxing Day off which gave me a little break. It’s still early in the treatment, but I’m feeling some side effects (manageable) and just want to get it over with.

While there is uncertainty for me in this new year coming, I look forward with optimism and hope, knowing in my heart that I am doing all that I can, that I am doing the right things, and that I am getting the best treatment available.

I wish everyone a very healthy, happy and hopeful New Year.

Posted by Doug

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It’s that time between Christmas and New Years when there seems to be lots of parties and get-togethers and, often, a lot of stress. For people with cancer, it can be a difficult time because their cancer can take some of the fun out of the holidays. You may be undergoing treatment, or worse, wondering how many Christmases you have in your future (and that could just be fear talking). Cancer can become a topic of conversation around the dinner table or over drinks. Just mentioning that you have or had cancer can spark a listing of everyone that has ever had cancer of any type, who died, what treatments they had. Probably not the most uplifting holiday fare.

It can be the same for our loved ones as well, who are saddened by our situation. And for everyone who has lost someone to cancer and misses them at this special time of year.

What to do? Enjoy the days. Whatever your beliefs, it is a time to relax and be with people you love and who care for you. Revel in it and enjoy each day as it comes. Remember those we have lost with fondness for all that they have given us in their time and strive to create your own good memories that will carry you through the potentially bad days to come and that can last in the hearts of your loved ones forever. That’s what I’m doing.

Happy holidays to all and the very best in the new year!

Posted by Doug

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A cancer diagnosis and the treatment regime can take a huge chunk out of your life, but can also be a profoundly life-changing experience.  It was certainly both of these for me and for many, many cancer survivors who I have spoken with.  But from time to time, I run into someone who says something like, “I’m just going to have the treatment and then move on - get on with my life - get back to normal.”  In some cases I think it could be denial, or maybe they just don’t realize how it will impact them but, sometimes, I wonder if some people really have the ability to just push it back and move on, unchanged in any profound way.  Or maybe they really believe they can, but it hangs there, festering under the surface until it erupts in some way.

It’s rare for cancer to be really “over”.  There’s the possibility or the fear of recurrence; there may be ongoing side effects or permanent scars - physical or emotional.  At the very least, you have been through a “life event”, a medical crisis, a fear-evoking trauma that changes most people.

Can you really just pack it away?  And I wonder if I should be jealous of someone who can just put it behind them (if that’s true).   What do you think?

Posted by Doug

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Reading Lori Hope’s book ( see previous post) really highlighted for me how awkward it is when the subject of cancer comes up.  It’s one thing to talk about other people, but when it’s you or the person you are talking to who has cancer, it’s a whole different ball game.  When I was first diagnosed, I eventually told a lot of people and I was amazed at the variety of responses.  Some friends who I thought would be very empathetic and supportive were very uncomfortable talking about it while some casual acquaintances were amazingly warm and, well…. energizing.

I don’t really know what I expected, but I learned first hand what an uncomfortable thing cancer was.  It really is the elephant in the room.  If you have cancer, it is always on your mind, but I think other people don’t even want to talk about it.  Sure, friends and family want to know how you are and want to be supportive but, let’s face it, its not a happy topic.  Sometimes we don’t want to talk about it at all, but sometimes we just want the people we care for to acknowledge our pain.

So what do you say to someone you know who has cancer?  I’m sorry…..? You look good……? How are you feeling….?  If you have cancer, what do you want to hear from your friends.  Let’s hear your thoughts.

 Posted by Doug

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I just finished a fabulous book written by Lori Hope, a lung cancer survivor, entitled help me live … 20 things people with cancer want you to know. Lori wrote the book based on the results of a survey she conducted and the stories of many, many people whose lives she has touched through personal relationships, interviews and her extensive speaking engagements. As a cancer survivor herself, she has had a front row seat to many of the experiences she writes about, and this personal perspective gives the book a very special intimacy.

Notionally, the book is written for the family, friends and acquaintances of people with cancer but, as I read it, I could see my own experiences as a cancer patient and survivor mirrored in the stories of so many others. In so doing, it gave me strength from knowing that I am not alone.

Lori is one of the good people who has chosen to turn her own experience with his horrible disease into a positive force for helping all of us to cope and to live. I highly recommend this book to everyone touched by cancer. Check out Lori’s site at www.lorihope.com.

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Today, I met with the radiation oncologist to talk about “salvage” radiation therapy (hate that expression) to try to kill the cancer that has recurred in my prostate bed. Odds are that this is where it is, but I don’t know for sure. Either do they. So they’ll just fire the particle accelerator at me and hope they get it all. It’s a lot more refined than that, but the outcome is the same - I’ll only know for sure if my PSA goes down and doesn’t go up. I’ll be starting in a couple of weeks for 33 consecutive days.

I kind of knew this was coming but it all seems so much more real now. I’m stressed to the max just cuz it was such an intense day. The shock of a recurrence is one thing, and I’m feeling good that I’m doing something about it, but now I feel like I’m really living with cancer, or at least starting too. I think it’s going to be a long haul and I don’t know whether time will make it easier or whether it will accumulate. I guess we’ll see. I need to make time to absorb it all and to adapt. I really should be doing things like yoga and meditation and would welcome any other ideas or advice.

Posted by Doug

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When we are stricken with cancer, depending on which cancer, its stage, etc., we are faced with many choices. Choices of doctor, choices of treatment, choices to get second (or third or fourth) opinions. They are all terribly important choices that we have to make at a time when our lives have been turned upside down, and each of us will approach these choices in a way that is uniquely us. Many people are very analytical and will vacuum up as much information as possible in order to make the “right” choice. Others feel much more comfortable putting their faith in their doctor(s) because they don’t feel qualified to make some of these choices on their own. I think others may just get dragged along, hoping for the best.

Cancer is a game of numbers. Treatment options are based on statistical, historical studies of large numbers of people. If you happen to fall neatly into certain categories it may seem obvious which way to go, but we are all unique and no one can predict with certainty what will happen to us based on our choices. But we have to make them, because not choosing (or choosing to do nothing) is, more often than not, a death sentence. So we choose our doctors, we choose between radiation and surgery and chemo. Sometimes we choose when to start. And then we throw ourselves at the mercy of those who know what they are doing and who have our best interests at heart.

It is very, very important that we never second guess these choices. While you may be able to stop a course of therapy, there is really no way to reverse or go back. And since we cannot predict the future with any degree of certainty, we certainly can’t answer the “what if” questions. What if I had radiation instead of surgery? What if I had opted for high-dose chemo? What if I had insisted on adjunctive therapies? Maybe you have choices going forward, but you can’t undo the choices you have made.

So make your choices with the best information you can, with the strongest intent you can muster, and put your faith in those you trust. Its the best you can do. Never look back or second guess those decisions and choices. There is nothing you can do about it and it will tear you apart. You have enough to deal with without blaming yourself for “wrong” decisions. And if your original choices don’t work and the cancer recurs or spreads…… well, you did your best, and now you need to make new choices. Take what you have learned and move forward.

Posted by Doug

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