Jan 29th 2010PostmasterEvents
Andy Barrie’s Morning Show on CBC radio 99.1 (Toronto) is doing a 7-part series on Princess Margaret Hospital Feb. 1-4 and 8-11. I will be interviewed along with Dr. Mary Gospodarowicz, medical head of PMH, on Feb. 11. Andy lost his wife Mary to cancer in February last year. The Wolf at my Door will be featured on the show’s website shortly. Our hearts go out to Andy on this sad anniversary.
Posted by Doug
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Jan 26th 2010PostmasterCoping & Family
I consider myself to be a lucky man in many ways. Although this may seem strange coming from someone with cancer, I’m sure you can appreciate how important it is to look at the whole of your life, to see the good that has come your way in spite of the disease. When I look back on my life, I see times that I’d rather forget but, for the most part, I see lots of good times and many blessings that have come my way. These are the things we all need to focus on.
One of the best things that ever happened to me was meeting my dear wife, Dianne. I’ve written about her many times before, but there are never enough words to truly express what a wonderful person she is and how much she means to me. As we face the greatest challenge of our life together, the relationship we have has grown ever stronger. But its complicated. I love her so much, and rely on her love and support so much, that I have become completely dependent upon her. I rely completely on the fact that she is always there for me and that, no matter what happens to me, she will always be there to love me and support me. I consider myself to be a very strong person overall, but I don’t mind admitting that a single cross look or disapproving glance turns me to mush. It makes it tough sometimes to have a rationale conversation about important things, or even to disagree on something. Believe me, there are lots of difficult decisions to make and sometimes even simple ones that require some objectivity. But its hard for me to be objective because I don’t ever want to disagree or do anything to make her think less of me. Its probably not very healthy, but that’s the way it is. I’m just a big baby after all.
Sometime in February, I will be interviewed for a 7-part series on PMH hosted by Andy Barrie of CBC radio. This is a wonderful opportunity and I’m always glad to help out. In doing a little research of my own, I came across the fact that Andy’s wife Mary passed away from cancer just last year. Married for some 40 years, she died with Andy and their daughter at her side. I can’t begin to tell you how sad that made me feel when I read about it, but I also smiled at realizing how lucky she was to have the support of someone like Andy with her. This says it all.
I’m writing this to emphasize how important it is to have someone you love beside you when dealing with a disease like cancer. It’s not something you should ever take for granted. Not everyone has this precious gift, but I have my Dianne.
For better or for worse I know she will always be by my side.
You can’t get much luckier than that.
Posted by Doug
Jan 17th 2010PostmasterLife and Death
Life can be such a fleeting thing. When you have a terminal or incurable disease, life and death are always on your mind, sometimes in the forefront and sometimes lying in waiting ….never completely gone. The uncertainty of how and when is haunting and everyone deals with it differently. It is on my mind all the time now but I feel infinitely blessed to have time to plan, to live and to love.
Last Wednesday, I was hit head-on by another driver who simply drifted into my lane on a little used industrial side street. My car was totaled and I ended up strapped to a board in the back of an ambulance. With the overcrowding in hospitals these days, I spent quite a while on that board and had time to think …. time to think about how I could have been killed. Here I am, every day, worrying about how many years I have left, and I could have lost it all in a split second of random carelessness by a stranger. Cancer patients often hear the expression, “Hey, we’re all going to die sometime. I could get hit by a car tomorrow!”. I hate hearing this even though it is well-intentioned. It trivializes the fact that I know that car (the one with my name on it) is just around the corner and it’s going to be more than a fender-bender. But you can see the irony in all of this. I consider myself very lucky.
Having said that, I now have to deal with more pain, more medications, and a lot more stress that I could definitely do without. And the time I now have to spend dealing with the aftermath comes out of my shortened balance of life. Having cancer or getting hit head-on are both highly traumatic events. Having both is just not fair. The other driver was not injured in any way and has been charged, but he has no way of knowing (unless he Googles my name) the impact he has had on me beyond needing a new car. On the off chance he does Google me and finds this post, I say, “Thanks a lot, buddy. My own body wants to kill me and it doesn’t need any help from you.”
I just want to find some normalcy in my life for even just a couple of months. A nice long stretch where I don’t have to worry about new tests, bad results, or more uncertainty. But I suppose it isn’t meant to be. I got hit by a car…. but I dodged the bullet! I’m still here and I still have time to live and to love.
Keep your eyes on the road!
Posted by Doug
Jan 6th 2010PostmasterCoping & Family
Hi everyone. As you no doubt noticed, we pretty much shut down over the Christmas holidays. I did this on purpose as I really wanted (needed) to focus on having an incredible Christmas and some complete down time. In addition, I wanted to focus on launching my new book! I’m pleased to say that I was successful on all fronts.
On Dec. 20, we held an “exclusive” family and friends book launch for The Wolf at my Door. Given the time of year, I was very pleased to have about 75 people attend. My brother and good friend Gayla surprised we with humbling and heartfelt introductions and then I had a chance to read excerpts from the book. It was an amazing day and incredibly emotional for everyone who attended. Many people read the book over the next couple of days and I have received incredible feedback and requests for more copies. Thank you to everyone who attended, with a special thanks to my daughter Caralia who arranged the event and to Meghan and Dayna who also helped.
Christmas itself was wonderful. It can be a very difficult time for someone with cancer as the disease becomes a giant elephant in the room and can often make it difficult to really enjoy the spirit of the holidays. When I was first diagnosed seven years ago, I didn’t even want to have Christmas as I didn’t think we had anything to celebrate. But this year, we surrounded ourselves with family ( including friends we now consider as family) and had a wonderful time. Having my nephew’s two-year old son Levi here provided that wide-eyed child component and my eighty-nine year old mother provided a link to a lifetime off Christmas memories. It was the best Christmas I’ve had for many years and was very important to me as I worry more and more about what the future brings.
Unfortunately, as all cancer patients know, you can never completely get away from your body’s assault on itself. Leading up to the book launch, my PSA started climbing quickly, evidence the cancer was actively spreading. The day after the launch, I had another test and found it had jumped way past what it was when I was first diagnosed and we have been unable to pinpoint where it is growing, which is cause for much anxiety. In the meantime, the pain in my back is increasing. I tried another type of hormone in a bid to slow things down, but the side effects drove me off that after only a week.
While this was all going on in the background, I pushed it away and did my best to enjoy all the good things that were going on around me, blessed with the support of my wonderful wife Dianne who continues to give me her strength.
So it’s a new year now and I am back to work and trying to figure out how to deal with an advancing cancer that will limit the time I have left. I wish all of you the very best in the new year and ask that you throw some good wishes my way.
Good health and much happiness to you all.
Posted by Doug
