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Just when I thought I could relax a bit and enjoy the Christmas season, I get more bad news. For every cancer patient, this can happen at the worst of times. But for a disease that seems to attack indiscriminately, there’s no reason to expect it to honor holidays.

This time it wasn’t a complete surprise as I have been experiencing new pain in my lower right back which has been getting steadily worse almost every day.  Initial scans had shown nothing, but my PSA was up again so I knew something was happening.  When I found out last week that it had quadrupled in 4 weeks, it confirmed that the cancer was actively spreading again (and growing tumours or lesions).  It seems that once it starts up, it moves very fast.  I can only try to slow it down with hormones, but I can’t use the same ones as before (which rendered me bed-ridden) so it will be “sub-optimal treatment” as my oncologist says.

So this Christmas will mix friends, family and fun with scans, doctors and meds.   These kinds of choices are tough enough but they can certainly cast a pall over a happy season.  So that’s my challenge – to deal with all of this without letting it ruin my holiday.  We have a wonderful Christmas season planned with lots of family and friends and, while my situation will be on everyone’s minds (because they love and care for me), I’m not going to let it take away from their enjoyment or mine.

The pain and the side effects will be there like uninvited guests.  They’re hard to ignore, but I will do my best to do just that.

So let’s just remember all of our friends and loved ones who have had to deal with this dreadful disease, especially the ones we have lost, and enjoy all of the life and happiness that this special time brings. We must always remember that we are making memories that will help to carry us through the rough times to come.

Posted by Doug

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Well, I finally stumped my psychologist!  Over the years, the support and advice I have received from him has been life-enhancing even if not exactly life-saving. It is characteristic of cancer that your life is full of ups and downs, highs and lows, and times when you are lost in the uncertainty of the disease. There are times when you are thrilled at the results of a simple blood test because it tells you that something is working. And there are times when the news is so bad that you glimpse the darkest corners of despair. This is what it is to live with cancer and, if you are to get through the days with dignity and even a little happiness, you need help. While the love and support of your spouse and family can do a lot (I would be lost without mine), you need the objective help of a professional to help you deal with the difficult questions and to ask the questions you may be too afraid to ask yourself. I have been blessed to have someone like Andrew to fill this role for me over the past seven years. The advice he has given me has saved my soul. I talk a lot about this in my book, The Wolf at my Door.

I have been seeing him regularly since my recurrence and have always left his office with something, some little tidbit that shone a light into some dark corner  But the other day, I gave him little to work with, primarily since I have been following his advice all along. I do not obsess over the terminal nature of my illness (given the current state of science) but focus on trying to make the most of today.  I do not spend much time feeling sorry for myself because I know it won’t get me anywhere. I do not sit around moping about my physical issues but do whatever I can feasibly do and unabashedly ask for help when I need it.  I do not despair over a shortened lifespan, but work hard at my job and at making a difference in meaningful ways. I neither seek nor avoid sympathy, but accept well-intentioned wishes from others.

In summary, I’m doing the best I can with an overall positive and constructive attitude. What more or what else can I do? So while there is really nothing more that Andrew can do for me right now, it feels very good to know that I’m doing the right things. But I’m not letting go of him yet. As the saying goes, I’ve got miles to go before I sleep.

If you have cancer, do not be embarrassed to seek professional help. In fact, if you don’t think you need it, you probably do.

Posted by Doug

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Well, my oncologist told me that there is nothing new on my MRI that would explain my new back pain, which is increasing daily.  So how to I feel?  Bummed out.  There’s really nothing else I can do except increase my morphine which has its own quality of life issues.  But we’ll see.  If things play out like they did when it first metastisized, the situation could change very quickly.

Once again, that most painful of things – uncertainty – will follow me around.  On the other hand, as with every other milestone on this journey, now I can put it out of my mind (as best I can) and concentrate on my book launch and on getting ready for what promises to be a most wonderful Christmas.

Posted by Doug

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