Uncertainty
Jan 18th 2009PostmasterCoping & Fear
A cancer diagnosis can be one of the worst things that can happen to someone. Hearing the words, “You have cancer,” can be devastating and almost always life-changing. But this is just the start of many bad times to come. At every step of the journey, you have something new to deal with and, in many cases, an escalation in the seriousness of your situation. You never get used to the constant stream of tests, doctor visits, phone calls, appointment changes, treatments, side effects, etc. but you do learn to “go with the flow” as you recognize that your world has changed and that this is what it is going to be like for awhile. With each new test there are new surprises, but they don’t seem to be as bad as that first surprise because you now steel yourself for whatever may come – good news or bad. And when it finally comes, the truth is, you feel a kind of relief because now you “know”. With each new stage in your journey, you move down a path of healing, or a path of further tests/treatments, or maybe they even find something new to worry about.
Many of us become students of our disease (through reading books, the Internet, talking to others, etc.) so we know the range of possible results and “then whats” each time we have a test. Once we have the results, then we move past the uncertainty of of the last test and move on to the uncertainty of whatever comes next. Many cancer patients find that the uncertainty is, in many ways, worse than hearing bad results. This is because you can’t do anything with “not knowing” except worry about it. At least when you know, you can concentrate on doing whatever comes next or on making the next set of choices. There are lots of periods of uncertainty and they can be very hard on you. Those newly diagnosed with cancer need to be prepared for this and those around them need to know that just waiting can be as hard as hearing bad news.
I think of these periods as chapters in a book where the tension builds up until the climax and then you turn the page and concentrate on what’s happening next. When I started Hormone Therapy last summer for my cancer (Advanced Prostate Cancer), I felt like I had started one of those new chapters and knew that there was a clock ticking down to the time when it would stop working. That uncertainty was always nibbling away at my mind and, while I hoped that it would last a long time, I new that it could stop working at anytime. I’ve just discovered that my PSA is rising again which usually indicates that the hormones have stopped working. Now I face the uncertainty of what limited choices I have left to me and what that means in terms of life expectancy and quality of life.
Uncertainty seems to be the worst side effect of having cancer. It’s wearing on me and on my family. I still have hope, but that is perhaps the most uncertain thing of all.
Happy New Year!
Posted by Doug
