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My dear wife and I were talking about this recently, in the context of my previous post.  I have a tendency, when people ask how I am, to say, “I’m fine,” even when I’m not.  It’s a natural response and one that becomes almost automatic.  Think about it….. when you meet someone on the street and say, “Hi.  How are you?”, you’d be taken aback if they said, “Actually, I’ve been pretty crappy,” and then proceeded to describe their illness or misfortune or whatever.  So we generally just go with the automatic, unconscious response.  That’s what I do, and I find myself doing that even with good friends and family.

The fact is, I haven’t been fine.  Bad test results and aggressive treatments have taken their toll on me, both physically and emotionally.  I want my friends and family to ask after me because it shows that they care and that I have their support.  So why to I say I’m fine when they ask.  It’s that automatic thing.  Or maybe I don’t want to burden them.  Or bore them.  Or bring them down.  Or maybe all of that.  But, as my wife pointed out, I can’t expect my loved ones to understand what I’m going through or to show their concern and compassion, if I tell them I’m fine.  Maybe they will think that I’m not that badly off.  Maybe they’ll wonder if I’ve been over exaggerating in the past.  Maybe they’ll think that I am fine now and that they don’t have to worry any more.  And, if they do that, I will likely wonder later why they don’t seem concerned anymore.  How can I expect them to support me when I’m not truthful?

The message here is that it is very important to be honest and open with your friends and family.  While you can tell your casual acquaintances that you’re fine, don’t minimize to those who love you.  When they ask you how you are doing, they really want to know.  And even if they are uncomfortable hearing the truth, they need to know.  You need them to know.

Open communication is so important when you are facing a crisis such as a cancer diagnosis.  It is a horrible disease that most of us are not familiar with and, unless you have experienced it yourself, you don’t know what to expect.  If a close friend of mine is not well, I want to know about it.  Only then can I be in a position to offer my concern and my help.  So if I’m not well, I should let my loved ones know.  They want to know, I want to know and, in fact, I need to know.

Thank you for caring.

Posted by Doug 

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There is lots to be said about how friends and family take the news of a cancer diagnosis or recurrence.  Lori Hope’s book (covered in a previous post) covers this topic nicely in terms of what cancer patients/survivors need to hear and what they don’t want to hear.  But what worries me most, is how the people close to you respond to the bad news.  While many rush to your side to support you, many shy away because they don’t know what to say or they are uncomfortable with the notion that you are sick or dying.  Even family members find it hard to speak to you, even though they should be there faster than anyone.  I understand this.  It’s not something we have a lot of experience with and I know it’s uncomfortable.  But, come on, this may be the most critical thing that has ever happened to someone, so it shouldn’t be simply avoided.

I’ve heard it said that, when you get cancer, you quickly learn who your real friends are and who really loves you.  I think there is a lot of truth in that, however, I am sure that there are friends/family who do love you but just can’t deal with it.  That’s about them, not the person with the cancer.

I say (and I mean this), if you really love someone, get over it!  Pick up the phone or knock on their door and say simply, “Hi.  I love you and I know this sucks, but I am here for you”.  You would want nothing less.  We are nothing without love and friendship.

Posted by Doug 

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My son left home around the time I was first diagnosed with cancer over five years ago.  He was more than ready to move out at that time and has since done quite well on his own, traveling across the country and generally enjoying life.  Like all prodigal children, we never hear from him enough, although he does keep in touch to let us know how he is doing and to check on the rest of the family.

Even with family members, it is hard to know how they cope with the knowledge of a cancer diagnosis for a loved one.  People don’t know what to say and, while they fear for you, they carry hope which is is often difficult to express.  Sometimes, the inability to talk about “it” compounds the situation because they don’t get to really understand what is happening.

My son is like that.  My cancer has been as much a burden on him as it has for the rest of my family.  But distance and discomfort have kept us from really talking about it.  I understand this and I accept it as part of the baggage that comes with cancer.  I know he cares and that is what is important.

Imagine my surprise when he showed up unannounced at my door!  He flew in from out west on a ticket that his friends had purchased for him, knowing how much he wanted to be with me to show his support.  It was the perfect week to visit, as I had several tests scheduled (a bone scan and MRI) and he was keen to accompany me even though it meant getting up way too early and sitting around by himself for several hours.

All of this meant the world to me.  I have never doubted his love or his caring.  My daughter (who lives nearby) has accompanied me many times and even joined us at the hospital this week, but my son has been unable to because he lives thousands of miles away.  Both of them have now had a taste of what it is like for me as I go from test to test and hospital to hospital.  A small taste, but at least something that provides an indication of what I am going through.

The lesson in this is to never discount your family or your close friends just because they don’t express their feelings to you.  Coping with cancer is difficult, but so is coping with a loved one’s diagnosis.  Know in your heart that they care and that they think of you often. Know that they are just as angry about it as you are.  And know that they will always be there for you.

What a wonderful gift this is!

Posted by Doug

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