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I’m just about finished my “salvage” radiation treatment for a recurrence of prostate cancer, 5 years after my initial diagnosis and treatment for surgery. I’ve had 32 treatments and I’m getting really, really tired of the whole thing. I lay on the table watching the machine go around me and hear if firing off 60 times from different angles and I wonder, “What the hell am I doing here?” And I have to confess that I keep asking, “Why me?” I’ve asked myself that many times over these past 5 years but it seems less fair this time around. It was bad enough to get cancer, but to have it come back and possibly stay is worse.

I think asking, “Why me?” is normal and I know there is really no answer to that question, but it’s there. What makes it worse is that I have to deal with all the emotional stuff while I’m experiencing significant fatigue and all sorts of bowel and bladder problems from the treatments. Sometimes I feel like crying because it all seems too much, especially when I’m trying to concentrate on doing something else.

Maybe I’m just feeling sorry for myself.

But who ever said that life is fair?

Posted by Doug

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This is an other wonderful book that we highly recommend. Described as “A Practical Guide to Help you Through the First Few Weeks”, it is a book that should be given to everyone the day they are diagnosed. It is written in an easy-to-read, highly informative manner to help you cope with the reeling sensation that almost everybody experiences after a diagnosis of cancer.

Written by a medical oncologist, it explains why those feelings of dread and terror are so common, despite the fact that over fifty per cent of all people with a newly diagnosed cancer will be cured. This book will help you understand the basic facts about the two hundred (or more) diseases that make up ‘the cancers’ and will give you a road-map so that you can ask the right questions of your medical team and understand the answers. It will give you a clear and accessible guide to the unfamiliar and daunting territories of diagnosis, staging, treatment and prognosis (among other things).

If explains what the future holds in a straightforward six-step guide. It then goes on to discuss the methods of treatment (surgery, radiotherapy, chemotherapy and biological therapy) and then other major issues such as the effect of the mind and attitude, the popularity of complementary remedies and other subjects.

Dr Robert Buckman is a medical oncologist at the Princess Margaret Hospital, a Consultant in Education and Communication and a professor in the University of Toronto. He appears on television and radio discussing aspects of health, particularly cancer treatments.

One of the really nice things about Dr. Buckman and this book is that a portion of the proceeds from the book goes directly to cancer research!

Posted by Doug

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This past holiday season was, as always, a great time to get together with friends. Being diagnosed with cancer, and experiencing how different people react, causes you to really think about who your real friends are, what you need to get from a friendship, and how you want to be as a friend. Some of the recent comments on this site have dealt with friends who have deserted and the terrible feelings of loss this brings at a time when we are most vulnerable.

Having cancer convinced me to turn my back on “toxic personalities”, people who sucked my energy without giving anything back. But I was also surprised by how some people, who I thought were really close, seemed to distance themselves from me. Equally surprising was how some, more casual friends really stepped up and showed me an incredible amount of compassion. I decided then to focus on a smaller number of friends and to concentrate on being a good friend to them. So while I love being with people, I will always choose a small gathering at a friend’s house over a party. And you know what….. it works. I miss some of my old friendships but I am getting so much out of my current ones (including some long-standing ones) that I know I’ve made the right decision. Having said this, I still have lots of more casual friends and will always, always have room in my life for new friends.

To all my friends, past and present, I say thank you for being a part of my life. To all of the new people I am meeting, including some very special friends that I have met through this blog, I say thank you for coming into my life.

Posted by Doug

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This was a different New Year’s Eve for me as I had my 13th of 33 Salvage Radiation treatments to ring out the old year and hopefully my recurrence. Thankfully, I had Christmas Day and Boxing Day off which gave me a little break. It’s still early in the treatment, but I’m feeling some side effects (manageable) and just want to get it over with.

While there is uncertainty for me in this new year coming, I look forward with optimism and hope, knowing in my heart that I am doing all that I can, that I am doing the right things, and that I am getting the best treatment available.

I wish everyone a very healthy, happy and hopeful New Year.

Posted by Doug

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