talkingaboutcancer.com

So many friends, relatives, work mates and loved ones are afflicted with cancer that it is hard to imagine that anyone over the age of twenty would not have had someone they know who survived or has died.  For those who have lost someone, there is a hole in our hearts and the memories we cherish.  There may also be sad memories of how the cancer ravaged their bodies and their minds in the late stages of their disease.

We hope that the departed are in some place better.  We are left with our memories and our wondering of what might have been.  And we are left more sensitive and more fearful to what cancer means and we can get much more personally familiar with it.  Not necessarily what we want.

People support us, lift our spirits and help to define our own lives to some extent.  The death of someone who you know can force you to question your own immortality, which can be good or bad depending on the individual.

But friends and loved ones who die can also inspire us and their memories can comfort us.  The memories of my father do that for me.

Who do you remember and do you handle it?

Let’s talk……..

Posted by Doug

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I was speaking with Dr. Rob Buckman recently and, as always, it was meaningful, touching and uplifting. While I strive to find out what next-big-thing he is up to, it is hard to do that because he always manages to center the conversation on you. His level of interest and genuine compassion is almost intoxicating and, for someone with cancer, he can help you see things that are sometimes hazy or, all too often, beyond our grasp - things like hope, perspective and a sense of humor.

I mention this because it is very difficult to find people to talk about how you feel, how you can cope, or to talk through the difficult decision-making process around treatment. Some of us have “cancer buddies” or support groups or just plain good-old-friends who seem to understand. These confidants don’t have to be doctors or even know very much about cancer. All they really need is the capacity to listen and the ability to empathize. Most of the time, we just need to talk things out and it is the talking that is therapeutic. But talking to someone who isn’t listening, who isn’t opening their heart to yours, just doesn’t cut it.

The world needs more listeners, more empathizers, more people like Rob Buckman. If you have friends or loved ones who have cancer, please remember that all it takes is a willingness to listen and an open heart. Reach out to them. Be a true friend.

Rob tells me I’m handling things “perfectly”. Maybe I am (although there are times I wonder) but it made me feel good to hear him say it. He is a good listener and I am honored to call him my friend.

Posted by Doug

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There’s something about the word CANCER. When we hear that someone has cancer (regardless of the type or the prognosis) we drop our shoulders, tilt our heads and go, “Ooooohhhhh.” When we hear that we have cancer, our heart stops and we become deer in the headlights, imagining all of the horrors that we will be faced with - sugery, radiation, chemotherapy, weakness……. death. A lot of this is just ignorance, because few people know much about the 200+ kinds of cancer, staging, etc., but some of it is just the fact that the word itself has become synonymous with disease and, yes, with death. I see this all the time in the way that people react to the fact of my cancer, in the way they talk about it. People say, “you’ll be fine,” but they don’t know; they just want to make you feel better - or maybe it makes them feel better. I try to explain, as simply as I can, what is going on with me so they can understand the context of my feelings. For the most part, people take it well, even if they don’t know what to say, and I feel better for the sharing. But we have a long way to go.

This blog strives to help people understand the emotional impact of cancer so that they can be supportive and give strength to their friends and loved ones with cancer. For cancer survivors and those with cancer, it can show that they are not alone and they can derive strength from others who have been in their shoes.

I believe that anyone faced with a life-threatening illness experiences many of the same emotional stresses but that over-reaching specter of cancer adds another dimension by enveloping everyone close to us with a shared fear. This is why knowledge and understanding are so important. The doctors can fight the physical disease but we ourselves must fight the emotional disease by being open about what we are feeling and by helping others understand.

Cancer is not always a death sentence. It can be if it isn’t treated, but more than half the people diagnosed and treated will survive, some with little or no residual effect (at least physically). Rob Buckman discusses this in his book, Cancer is a word, not a sentence, by clearly explaining the impacts and outcomes of the different cancers.  If we can better understand this and help others to understand, perhaps we can lessen the emotional stress and the pervasive feeling of gloom that prevents us from dealing with it in a more realistic way.

So read through all of the posts and comments on this site and visit the links we have posted, and follow the links on those sites.  Read the books that are recommended and lend them to your friends and family.  There are many of us out here who want to help.  Post your comments so we can all benefit from your experience and insight.

Let’s talk.

Posted by Doug

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This past holiday season was, as always, a great time to get together with friends. Being diagnosed with cancer, and experiencing how different people react, causes you to really think about who your real friends are, what you need to get from a friendship, and how you want to be as a friend. Some of the recent comments on this site have dealt with friends who have deserted and the terrible feelings of loss this brings at a time when we are most vulnerable.

Having cancer convinced me to turn my back on “toxic personalities”, people who sucked my energy without giving anything back. But I was also surprised by how some people, who I thought were really close, seemed to distance themselves from me. Equally surprising was how some, more casual friends really stepped up and showed me an incredible amount of compassion. I decided then to focus on a smaller number of friends and to concentrate on being a good friend to them. So while I love being with people, I will always choose a small gathering at a friend’s house over a party. And you know what….. it works. I miss some of my old friendships but I am getting so much out of my current ones (including some long-standing ones) that I know I’ve made the right decision. Having said this, I still have lots of more casual friends and will always, always have room in my life for new friends.

To all my friends, past and present, I say thank you for being a part of my life. To all of the new people I am meeting, including some very special friends that I have met through this blog, I say thank you for coming into my life.

Posted by Doug

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It’s that time between Christmas and New Years when there seems to be lots of parties and get-togethers and, often, a lot of stress. For people with cancer, it can be a difficult time because their cancer can take some of the fun out of the holidays. You may be undergoing treatment, or worse, wondering how many Christmases you have in your future (and that could just be fear talking). Cancer can become a topic of conversation around the dinner table or over drinks. Just mentioning that you have or had cancer can spark a listing of everyone that has ever had cancer of any type, who died, what treatments they had. Probably not the most uplifting holiday fare.

It can be the same for our loved ones as well, who are saddened by our situation. And for everyone who has lost someone to cancer and misses them at this special time of year.

What to do? Enjoy the days. Whatever your beliefs, it is a time to relax and be with people you love and who care for you. Revel in it and enjoy each day as it comes. Remember those we have lost with fondness for all that they have given us in their time and strive to create your own good memories that will carry you through the potentially bad days to come and that can last in the hearts of your loved ones forever. That’s what I’m doing.

Happy holidays to all and the very best in the new year!

Posted by Doug

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Reading Lori Hope’s book ( see previous post) really highlighted for me how awkward it is when the subject of cancer comes up.  It’s one thing to talk about other people, but when it’s you or the person you are talking to who has cancer, it’s a whole different ball game.  When I was first diagnosed, I eventually told a lot of people and I was amazed at the variety of responses.  Some friends who I thought would be very empathetic and supportive were very uncomfortable talking about it while some casual acquaintances were amazingly warm and, well…. energizing.

I don’t really know what I expected, but I learned first hand what an uncomfortable thing cancer was.  It really is the elephant in the room.  If you have cancer, it is always on your mind, but I think other people don’t even want to talk about it.  Sure, friends and family want to know how you are and want to be supportive but, let’s face it, its not a happy topic.  Sometimes we don’t want to talk about it at all, but sometimes we just want the people we care for to acknowledge our pain.

So what do you say to someone you know who has cancer?  I’m sorry…..? You look good……? How are you feeling….?  If you have cancer, what do you want to hear from your friends.  Let’s hear your thoughts.

 Posted by Doug

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I just finished a fabulous book written by Lori Hope, a lung cancer survivor, entitled help me live … 20 things people with cancer want you to know. Lori wrote the book based on the results of a survey she conducted and the stories of many, many people whose lives she has touched through personal relationships, interviews and her extensive speaking engagements. As a cancer survivor herself, she has had a front row seat to many of the experiences she writes about, and this personal perspective gives the book a very special intimacy.

Notionally, the book is written for the family, friends and acquaintances of people with cancer but, as I read it, I could see my own experiences as a cancer patient and survivor mirrored in the stories of so many others. In so doing, it gave me strength from knowing that I am not alone.

Lori is one of the good people who has chosen to turn her own experience with his horrible disease into a positive force for helping all of us to cope and to live. I highly recommend this book to everyone touched by cancer. Check out Lori’s site at www.lorihope.com.

Posted by Doug

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When you are first diagnosed, it is extremely important to bring someone with you when attending appointments and clinic visits. You will receive a lot of information in these sessions and at times it may be overwhelming. Having someone with you can be very helpful… two heads are better than one! Have your partner/friend/loved one take notes for you so that you can be free to take in as much information as possible without worrying about documenting it at the same time. You will find having someone with you to be very emotionally supportive, in addition to the benefit of having someone to talk with during those never-ending wait times for appointments and tests. Moreover, in the process of information gathering, teamwork is very helpful. First, you and your partner can usually gather more information than either one alone. Second, you may want to divide your information-gathering activities in accordance with abilities and interests. Third, you are going to find that some of the information you receive will be very anxiety-provoking. Facing it together, in a mutually supportive way, will help you enormously to sustain a degree of calm and clarity.Who did you bring with you? Did it help? Or did you have to go it alone? I hope not. Tell us your story.

Let’s talk.

Posted by Andrew

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