Posted by Dianne

I didn’t cry when my dad died and, while I felt a profound loss, I knew he had a good life and that he was ready to go. As I wrestle with my own sense of mortality, I concern myself with the time I have left, maybe to a fault. But that’s where cancer takes you. My own body has turned against me and I know I won’t have the same time that my father did. But his death and the memory of his life help me to look back on my own life with a bit more care.

Two years ago, family and friends gathered to celebrate the life of a good man. All of us need to celebrate the good in our own lives every day. It helps us to deal with the bad stuff.

My dad did not live a remarkable life, but he had a good life. Regardless of how much time we are allowed on this earth, do we really need anything more?

I do miss you, Dad.

Posted by Doug

One of the best things that ever happened to me was meeting my dear wife, Dianne.  I’ve written about her many times before, but there are never enough words to truly express what a wonderful person she is and how much she means to me.  As we face the greatest challenge of our life together, the relationship we have has grown ever stronger.  But its complicated.  I love her so much, and rely on her love and support so much, that I have become completely dependent upon her.  I rely completely on the fact that she is always there for me and that, no matter what happens to me, she will always be there to love me and support me.  I consider myself to be a very strong person overall, but I don’t mind admitting that a single cross look or disapproving glance turns me to mush.  It makes it tough sometimes to have a rationale conversation about important things, or even to disagree on something.  Believe me, there are lots of difficult decisions to make and sometimes even simple ones that require some objectivity.  But its hard for me to be objective because I don’t ever want to disagree or do anything to make her think less of me.  Its probably not very healthy, but that’s the way it is.  I’m just a big baby after all.

Sometime in February, I will be interviewed for a 7-part series on PMH hosted by Andy Barrie of CBC radio.  This is a wonderful opportunity and I’m always glad to help out.  In doing a little research of my own, I came across the fact that Andy’s wife Mary passed away from cancer just last year.  Married for some 40 years, she died with Andy and their daughter at her side.  I can’t begin to tell you how sad that made me feel when I read about it, but I also smiled at realizing how lucky she was to have the support of someone like Andy with her.  This says it all.

I’m writing this to emphasize how important it is to have someone you love beside you when dealing with a disease like cancer.  It’s not something you should ever take for granted.  Not everyone has this precious gift, but I have my Dianne.

For better or for worse I know she will always be by my side.

You can’t get much luckier than that.

Posted by Doug

On Dec. 20, we held an “exclusive” family and friends book launch for The Wolf at my Door.  Given the time of year, I was very pleased to have about 75 people attend.  My brother and good friend Gayla surprised we with humbling and heartfelt introductions and then I had a chance to read excerpts from the book.  It was an amazing day and incredibly emotional for everyone who attended.  Many people read the book over the next couple of days and I have received incredible feedback and requests for more copies.  Thank you to everyone who attended, with a special thanks to my daughter Caralia who arranged the event and to Meghan and Dayna who also helped.

Christmas itself was wonderful.  It can be a very difficult time for someone with cancer as the disease becomes a giant elephant in the room and can often make it difficult to really enjoy the spirit of the holidays.  When I was first diagnosed seven years ago, I didn’t even want to have Christmas as I didn’t think we had anything to celebrate.  But this year, we surrounded ourselves with family ( including friends we now consider as family) and had a wonderful time.  Having my nephew’s two-year old son Levi here provided that wide-eyed child component and my eighty-nine year old mother provided a link to a lifetime off Christmas memories.  It was the best Christmas I’ve had for many years and was very important to me as I worry more and more about what the future brings.

Unfortunately, as all cancer patients know, you can never completely get away from your body’s assault on itself.  Leading up to the book launch, my PSA started climbing quickly, evidence the cancer was actively spreading.  The day after the launch, I had another test and found it had jumped way past what it was when I was first diagnosed and we have been unable to pinpoint where it is growing, which is cause for much anxiety.  In the meantime, the pain in my back is increasing.  I tried another type of hormone in a bid to slow things down, but the side effects drove me off that after only a week.

While this was all going on in the background, I pushed it away and did my best to enjoy all the good things that were going on around me, blessed with the support of my wonderful wife Dianne who continues to give me her strength.

So it’s a new year now and I am back to work and trying to figure out how to deal with an advancing cancer that will limit the time I have left.  I wish all of you the very best in the new year and ask that you throw some good wishes my way.

Good health and much happiness to you all.

Posted by Doug

This time it wasn’t a complete surprise as I have been experiencing new pain in my lower right back which has been getting steadily worse almost every day.  Initial scans had shown nothing, but my PSA was up again so I knew something was happening.  When I found out last week that it had quadrupled in 4 weeks, it confirmed that the cancer was actively spreading again (and growing tumours or lesions).  It seems that once it starts up, it moves very fast.  I can only try to slow it down with hormones, but I can’t use the same ones as before (which rendered me bed-ridden) so it will be “sub-optimal treatment” as my oncologist says.

So this Christmas will mix friends, family and fun with scans, doctors and meds.   These kinds of choices are tough enough but they can certainly cast a pall over a happy season.  So that’s my challenge – to deal with all of this without letting it ruin my holiday.  We have a wonderful Christmas season planned with lots of family and friends and, while my situation will be on everyone’s minds (because they love and care for me), I’m not going to let it take away from their enjoyment or mine.

The pain and the side effects will be there like uninvited guests.  They’re hard to ignore, but I will do my best to do just that.

So let’s just remember all of our friends and loved ones who have had to deal with this dreadful disease, especially the ones we have lost, and enjoy all of the life and happiness that this special time brings. We must always remember that we are making memories that will help to carry us through the rough times to come.

Posted by Doug

I also grew up watching Patrick Swayze develop as an actor. He was a wonderful actor and from the sounds of it also a truly wonderful husband.  He was another actor that was very handsome.  I loved him in Ghost…who didn’t.  When he passed away in September of 2009 it was also a sad loss.  My heart goes out to his wonderful wife and I thank them both for their openness about their journey and the fact that he never gave up.

Sharing your life with the masses is not easy, I’m sure.  The gift of awareness that they both gave about their kinds of cancer is priceless.  My wish to them now it that they are at peace and where they want to be.  I thank them from the bottom of my heart.

Posted by Dianne

But how do you keep everyone up to date while you’re spending your days at the hospital or at doctors appointments or you’re just so exhausted you can’t think.  My total focus was on my husband and the only way we were going to get through this was taking “one day at a time”.  Literally that’s all I focused on.  What were we doing today and only today.   I couldn’t think even two days out because we didn’t know how he would be at the end of today so no need worrying about tomorrow.  I had enough to worry about.  I could not bring myself to think “what if”.

It was important for me to keep a record of what was happening to my husband.   You see he’s not the detail person in our household.  I am and I’m an information junkie too.  I need to have all the relevant information so I’m less stressed.   I asked lots of questions each and every day and I kept a record of all of Bob’s test results and reactions both physical and mental (physical is one thing, the emotional side can be really scary)  I had read about people keeping journals but for me I had to use technology in some way. I’m not a paper person so I used the Memo section in my blackberry.  (yes I’m one of those “crackberry” addicts) I couldn’t find a suitable technical solution that was easy to input data into when I was away from my computer so this worked for me.  If I wasn’t able to get answers to questions from the nurses or doctors right away,  I was able to take all the details and get help from a friend who is a nurse.  She is a very patient person and she was able to tell me what I needed to ask the next day of the doctors or whether this was quite normal for these types of reactions.  If you have someone who has this type of medical background this is one way they can help you during this challenging time, so don’t be afraid to ask.  They feel they are helping out and it sure helped keep me sane for all those months.

Some people have a hard time speaking to others about Cancer but I’m a people person so it was important for me to communicate.  Keeping the details also helped when it came time to keep people up to date.  I was getting phone calls and e-mails and I was floundering trying to keep up.  Doug uses this blog, but I couldn’t figure that out quickly and at the time I wanted this to be a “push” to people so they didn’t have to go somewhere to get the information.   Many of the people in my network are not that technical so e-mail worked really well for keeping them up to date.  What started out as a simple distribution list turned out to have over 150 people on it. (if you use Microsoft Outlook this is really easy to do)  So I would take the details from my blackberry every day or so and tell everyone what was going on.  I tried to put a bit of humour in each day if I could because my husband has a wickedly dry sense of humour so everyone was keen to see that peek through.  Many of you will say yikes, how did you do that every day?  No it wasn’t easy some days, but it was my release to sit and write about our experiences for that day.  It helped me to be logical about what had happened, what needed to happen tomorrow and with doing just the one e-mail it saved me from answering many others.  And some days it was my means to rant about what needed to be improved in our healthcare system.  Oh don’t get me wrong I had lots of e-mails but what I said each day was a thank you to all who called or sent notes but I just couldn’t respond to each and every one.  I read them all however because they gave me hope and allowed me to cry if I needed to.  It’s truly amazing what a release a good cry gives.  I had a hard time holding it together if I was speaking on the phone or in person so the technology allowed me to communicate a little easier.   

The other tool I used was Facebook.  Yes I’m on Facebook. It does have a good side to it despite all the hoopla about privacy.  You can share information easily on this social medium so I took a copy of the e-mail details and copied them into a NOTE on Facebook. I’d date the Note “Update on Bob Cockram as of <date>” and this would be published to my friends Facebook Home Pages.  Like “you have new mail”.   Many of my friends and family had trouble with e-mail at their businesses so Facebook worked really well for them once they got home.

We now have a record of what he went through. When I look back I can see Bob’s progress and his difficult times too.  This record was also very useful when we went for his first visit to our family doctor.  Once you leave the hospital your family doctor is on the hook for looking after you. You no longer have all of the hospital resources available to you.  So to bring him up to speed I made an appointment with him the first week Bob was home.  I took all the details and made a summary of what Bob went through, his ups and downs and allergies and ongoing challenges.  I made a copy of this for our family doctor and he now has this in Bob’s file.  If this office had been totally automated it could have been a word file that would attach to the chart electronically but they are not there yet so it’s in the paper file for now.  Our doctor was so pleased to get a summary and it has made our lives easier because he had a starting point and we keep him up to date every 6 weeks with what is new.

Summary of tips

In the grand scheme of things I know that having a picture hung quickly is no big deal but, when you have been the kind of guy who this is important to and you can no longer do things that way, it can be very frustrating.  We now have to hire people to do the work that Doug used to do so easily.  Sometimes the workmanship is lacking and he thinks,  ”I could have done that better and quicker,” (and he is right).  This, to him, I know is a loss and it breaks my heart to know he feels this loss.  Sometimes I imagine cancer just taking away pieces of who you were (or perceived yourself to be) piece by piece.  It not only takes away your health but a little piece of you every day in small slices.

 I hate this disease with a passion and am mad at it for doing this to us.  But the great gift that this awful disease has given Doug is both the ability and desire to help others suffering like he is through his writing and gifted ideas he shares on this blog and at conferences and just talking to those he cares about.  He has always been a man that worked not only for his family but his community and now through this amazing site that he cares so passionately about.

Rock on Doug.

Posted by Dianne

This past weekend, we had the pleasure of a visit from my nephew, his wife and little boy.  We love to have them visit and we wish we could see them more.  They really define what family is all about.  When they arrived, they gave me a beautiful card with the most heart-felt wishes for my health, which meant a lot to me.  They were a little nervous about how to start a chat about my current status, but we opened up and shared everything with them.  They genuinely wanted to know and it felt good to talk about it with them (I always worry about complaining too much).  With the card, they also gave my dear wife and I a coupon that they had ordered on the Internet for a dinner at home.  Apparently, the chef discusses your tastes and likes with you, does the shopping, prepares and serves the meal, and then cleans up after!  We were so surprised and pleased at the gift but even more so at the thoughtfulness that went into it.  In my current condition, it is very difficult to go out for an evening (I can do it, but it’s very painful and tiring) and they understood this.  It’s difficult for them to do a meal for us because they are far away and have a baby to look after, so they found another way of doing it.  The amazing thing is that these are young people in their 20′s who have shown us a degree of empathy and understanding that is, in fact, rare in much older people.

My brother did well in raising my nephew and he in turn did well in choosing his soul mate.  We love them both (and little Levi) and look forward to them becoming an even greater part of our lives.

There is so much love in this world, and always hope.

Posted by Doug

I’m trying to let you know the real us to see how this cancer journey has such an ability to try to fragment you.  There  are times when as a caregiver you feel so alone … that person who you love so much is so immersed in their battle there is little room for you.  I think we are able to work together well on our journey  because we have a good solid base.  Marriage is never 50-50…as you all know.  Sometimes it is 60-40, etc.

Doug just had the worst weekend ever, pain-wise.  He rarely complains, and if he does, he apologizes…I give him heck for that because I know he wouldn’t want me to apologize for how I feel.  I don’t even see it as complaining, it is simply making a statement about how he feels and he is entitled. 

We went to one of his many doctors on Monday and Doug has decided to go off of the hormone medicine for now to see if he feels better if it is out of his system.  The worry of course is that the cancer will have a chance to grow.  Right now the meds are giving him no quality of life…he has so much pain everywhere from them and is so fatigued.  I feel it is his decision to make and will always stand behind him.  Of course, another part of me is terrified and can see all these little cancer troops manning up and getting ready to strike but I know he has to make the decision for himself…I love him so much and hate to see him in such pain but I’ve always believed that he is one of the most intelligent men I have ever met and he makes good decisions…after all he married me didn’t he? lol.

He still continues to do an amazing job at work and only a handful of people there know what he is struggling through.  He really wants his bucket list to be one that is full of things that he has done for the cancer community at large and I’m so proud of him for that.

I really try to live each day with Doug with as much joy as we can share.  Thanks for listening to me once more.  I will write again.

Posted by Dianne