talkingaboutcancer.com

So many friends, relatives, work mates and loved ones are afflicted with cancer that it is hard to imagine that anyone over the age of twenty would not have had someone they know who survived or has died.  For those who have lost someone, there is a hole in our hearts and the memories we cherish.  There may also be sad memories of how the cancer ravaged their bodies and their minds in the late stages of their disease.

We hope that the departed are in some place better.  We are left with our memories and our wondering of what might have been.  And we are left more sensitive and more fearful to what cancer means and we can get much more personally familiar with it.  Not necessarily what we want.

People support us, lift our spirits and help to define our own lives to some extent.  The death of someone who you know can force you to question your own immortality, which can be good or bad depending on the individual.

But friends and loved ones who die can also inspire us and their memories can comfort us.  The memories of my father do that for me.

Who do you remember and do you handle it?

Let’s talk……..

Posted by Doug

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Happy Mother’s Day! This weekend was all about family and, like many others, we spent it together with my mother and my brother and his wife. It was great to be in the company of people who love you on a day that celebrates life. For me, this day had a special significance given the fight that I am in. Having cancer puts a whole new perspective on life and, in particular, what’s really important. Family is important. Love is very important. Knowing that people love you and care for you is one of the great gifts of life. But while I can bask in the love of my family and enjoy the day (as I now try to enjoy every single day), I know that there is a tension in the air.

I don’t really need to talk about it all the time, because I know that they care, but I know that it is on everyone’s mind. They want to say something, but they don’t know what to say, so it goes unsaid.  And while we enjoy our time together, laughing and reminiscing, all that is unspoken hangs in the air.  My wife calls it the elephant in the room.

All we really need is for our loved ones to ask, “How are you doing?” That is enough to show their concern and interest and leaves it to us to decide what to say and how much to say.  We can dive right in if that’s what we feel we want or need, or we can keep it short and sweet.  That takes the pressure off of everyone.  It doesn’t require more than that.

We are all in this together and we need to be open and communicate.  It is always tough to know what to say, but all you really need to do is ask.

Posted by Doug

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It’s that time between Christmas and New Years when there seems to be lots of parties and get-togethers and, often, a lot of stress. For people with cancer, it can be a difficult time because their cancer can take some of the fun out of the holidays. You may be undergoing treatment, or worse, wondering how many Christmases you have in your future (and that could just be fear talking). Cancer can become a topic of conversation around the dinner table or over drinks. Just mentioning that you have or had cancer can spark a listing of everyone that has ever had cancer of any type, who died, what treatments they had. Probably not the most uplifting holiday fare.

It can be the same for our loved ones as well, who are saddened by our situation. And for everyone who has lost someone to cancer and misses them at this special time of year.

What to do? Enjoy the days. Whatever your beliefs, it is a time to relax and be with people you love and who care for you. Revel in it and enjoy each day as it comes. Remember those we have lost with fondness for all that they have given us in their time and strive to create your own good memories that will carry you through the potentially bad days to come and that can last in the hearts of your loved ones forever. That’s what I’m doing.

Happy holidays to all and the very best in the new year!

Posted by Doug

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I just finished a fabulous book written by Lori Hope, a lung cancer survivor, entitled help me live … 20 things people with cancer want you to know. Lori wrote the book based on the results of a survey she conducted and the stories of many, many people whose lives she has touched through personal relationships, interviews and her extensive speaking engagements. As a cancer survivor herself, she has had a front row seat to many of the experiences she writes about, and this personal perspective gives the book a very special intimacy.

Notionally, the book is written for the family, friends and acquaintances of people with cancer but, as I read it, I could see my own experiences as a cancer patient and survivor mirrored in the stories of so many others. In so doing, it gave me strength from knowing that I am not alone.

Lori is one of the good people who has chosen to turn her own experience with his horrible disease into a positive force for helping all of us to cope and to live. I highly recommend this book to everyone touched by cancer. Check out Lori’s site at www.lorihope.com.

Posted by Doug

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Last March my mother was killed (along with another innocent bystander) in a bizarre & tragic roadside accident. Our family has been having a hard time dealing with this over the past 6 months obviously, in particular my father - who now lives alone. My sister & I and his friends are there for him, but it’s just not the same for him as you can imagine. And then the unthinkable happened…

My dad was diagnosed with prostate cancer.

I have stopped trying to make sense of why so many terrible things have happened to our family in the past year, because it just leads to anger & frustration. The only thing I can do now focus on the positive of the situation at hand; “at least it’s not lung cancer or a brain tumor!”. And even though most people say “well it is one of the most curable forms of cancer” it’s still hard for me not to be pessimistic the way things have been going.

His urologist says it is 90% likely that removal of the gland will result in a cure and he will live another 30 years. I hope he’s right. On the bright my dad is in otherwise great health and great physical shape which should bode well for his recovery.

His surgery date is October 25th @ 8am. I’ll be sure to write again post-surgery to share how everyone is doing.
Posted by David

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……….This is our first guest post. It’s an older post from Amanda, whose own blog (see link below) inspired the creation of this blog.

Just when i thought i was wizened and hardened and impervious to all shocks, comes a phone call that just about brought me to my knees.

12:15 am…hubby is lying peacefully in bed, oblivious to the world, and i’m doing my usual late-night web surfing. at that late hour, the ringing of his cell phone was definitely enough to snap me out of complacency. i got up off of my duff and looked at the caller i.d….”unknown.” ok, probably just a wrong number, a drunk dial, or both.

as soon as i set the phone back down it rang again. i opened the phone, fully ready to let the poor person on the other end HAVE IT. when the unthinkable words come out of the receiver…

“hello?”

“yes, this is a nurse from kaiser…is [hubby] there?”

“well, no, he’s asleep, it IS a quarter past twelve here.” (we have recently been getting calls from the billing department of kaiser hawaii, and i thought that maybe it was someone who wasn’t aware of the time difference.)

“this is his wife,” i continued, “can i help you?”

and then the nurse spoke those words that have plagued my nightmares ever since the bone marrow transplant. “no, i need to speak with mr. shaffer, it’s an emergency situation.”

all of my “how-dare-you-call-us-this-late-at-night” bravado disappeared like a popped balloon. deflated, i took the phone back to the bedroom and fought the old feelings of panic and dread.

“how bad is it?” i whined.

“ma’am, i really can’t discuss this with you unless i have his permission…you are aware of HIPPA, aren’t you?”

(at this point i became convinced that this nurse is the biggest bitch this side of the atlantic.) woke hubby up and told him “oh-my-god-it’s-a-nurse-from-kaiser-and-she-says-it’s-an-emergency-and-she-won’t-tell-me-
what’s-wrong-i-don’t-know-why-we’ve-signed-so-many-fucking-release-forms–”
hubby snatched the phone, and after a whole lot of sleepy “yeahs,” “nos,” and “i don’t knows,” he snapped the phone shut and gave me the biggest eye roll EVER.

“my red cell counts were a little low, and the nurse called before she looked at my medical history. no worries, babe.”

that’s it?!? his red cell counts a little low?!? i know that many people would expect me to be outraged at the nurse who saw fit to call about a medical condition before she got the context…

…but THANK GOD that’s all she had to call us about. THANK GOD it is not back. THANK GOD he is still OK.

Posted by Amanda (originally posted on http://cancertalk.blogspot.com)

We are sad to say that Amanda lost her husband, Eric, to leukemia last year.  Our hearts go out to her. (Doug)

- See Amanda’s new blog at http://the-cat-lady.com

2 Comments »

I personally was not diagnosed with cancer, but I am a victim of this horrible disease. Too many of my relatives, including my husband, sister, and sister-in law have been hit with cancer. As a small child, both of my grandfathers died from cancer. One had lung cancer that spread to his bones, the other had leukemia. At the time, I didn’t quite understand what “cancer” was or meant. Whenever my parents or anyone else spoke of “cancer” it was with hushed tones…why? I just knew I didn’t want it.

As the years passed, and cancer didn’t impact on my family or friends, life was good. Cancer didn’t seem quite as scary for a while.

Then, in the fall of 1996 my sister was diagnosed with what we thought was lung cancer. She called me to tell me something was off about her tests and further investigation was required. The biopsy she had showed that she had cancer and required the removal of part of her lung. She was pretty scared. We were all very hopeful, but then got the news that the cancer was actually melanoma that had metastasized. Our world was about to change in a very big way. My wonderful husband arranged for our family to move back to Toronto, where my sister lived, and rented the house next door to her. This enabled me to go back and forth with ease to help her and her family. You have to understand how I felt about her…she was really like a Mom to me…I couldn’t lose her…we were going to grow old together. In Sept of 1997 she lost her battle with cancer. Everything has changed now that she is gone. The impact of losing her affected many people. She was a truly loved and remarkable woman. She was the core that held our side of the family together and now that is gone. I miss her so much and not a day goes by that she isn’t in my thoughts. Cancer changes families. It’s like a hurricane that lands with mass destruction and takes away whatever it wants. This Sept is the 10th anniversary of her passing…it doesn’t feel that long. Life does go on. Her husband remarried. Her children married and now have their own children. She would have been a great grandmother. My sister lives on in all of our hearts.

Since then, my sister-in-law and my husband have been diagnosed with cancer. Thankfully, they are still with me and I never take for granted the time we have together. My fear in life is that if I should ever get cancer, will there be someone there to take care of me?

Posted by Dianne (guest post)

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When you are first diagnosed, it is extremely important to bring someone with you when attending appointments and clinic visits. You will receive a lot of information in these sessions and at times it may be overwhelming. Having someone with you can be very helpful… two heads are better than one! Have your partner/friend/loved one take notes for you so that you can be free to take in as much information as possible without worrying about documenting it at the same time. You will find having someone with you to be very emotionally supportive, in addition to the benefit of having someone to talk with during those never-ending wait times for appointments and tests. Moreover, in the process of information gathering, teamwork is very helpful. First, you and your partner can usually gather more information than either one alone. Second, you may want to divide your information-gathering activities in accordance with abilities and interests. Third, you are going to find that some of the information you receive will be very anxiety-provoking. Facing it together, in a mutually supportive way, will help you enormously to sustain a degree of calm and clarity.Who did you bring with you? Did it help? Or did you have to go it alone? I hope not. Tell us your story.

Let’s talk.

Posted by Andrew

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