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People (friends, professionals) are always telling me to “live in the moment” or “live every day to the fullest”. But what does that mean? It could mean … take it easy, relax, enjoy the day. Or it could mean … do something exciting, exhilarating (climb a mountain, scuba dive the Barrier Reef). I think the truth is that it means something different to each person. It also probably depends on how much time you think you have left. Most people have the luxury of not having to contemplate their death so they live their lives as if they will live forever. That’s normal, and there has been a lot written about how mankind buries the idea of mortality in order to live their lives without the fear of death.

Well, that is not the case for people diagnosed with cancer. One of the most profound and disturbing impacts of having cancer is that we are forced to face our own mortality. And once you realize that you can die (possibly much sooner than you thought), you need to face the question of what to do with the time you have left. I’ve just started reading Randy Pausch’s The Last Lecture (having seen it on YouTube and on Oprah). Randy, in his late 40’s is dying of pancreatic cancer and chose to spend his last days spending as much time with his family as possible and in delivering his last lecture on realizing dreams. He has done an admirable job of leaving an incredible legacy for his young children and in teaching an important lesson to the rest of us. I must admit that I feel quite emotional reading his story because, while I’m not in the same boat (with months to live), I can certainly relate.

I find that each day is much more important to me now that I’m living with cancer. While I would prefer to have all my time available to spend with my family and doing the things that I love, I can’t really do that. I need to work because I have a responsibility to ensure my family (my wife especially) can live comfortably if I’m not around. But it also gives me a sense of dignity to be able to continue working and doing a good job. My dear wife thinks I am obsessive (like my mother) because I’m always doing something, but I just feel that things need to be done and I need to be doing them. Does that make sense? Who knows? It’s just the way I am and I know that I’m like that partially because I don’t want to leave things undone. But, if I’m honest with myself, it may be partly because I just don’t know what else to do.

What do you do with the rest of your life? Maybe it doesn’t really matter as long as you are doing something you find productive and comfortable. Maybe living in the moment is just living.

Posted by Doug

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Well, I met with my oncologist earlier this week to get the results of my three month (post-radiation) PSA and didn’t hear what I wanted. I’m not sure what I expected to hear, but I was advised that my PSA was unchanged. This suggests that my 33 days of radiation treatment didn’t work or, if it did get the cancer in the treatment area, there is more elsewhere.

Now, getting this kind of news alone can really bum you out, but they suggested I come back in another 3 months because, in a small number of cases, the PSA can take longer to drop. You might think this is good, but it really isn’t because it can create another long, depressing period of uncertainty and, even worse, give false hope.  But this isn’t going to be the case with me because I have educated myself thoroughly and I know what the odds are. And I’ve had lots of time (since my recurrence 6 months ago) to think about all the possibilities and likelihoods and come to grips with it.

It sucks, but it is what it is and I have to get on with life. And that means living each day to its fullest and learning how to be more than this disease. There is no cure beyond the unsuccessful treatments that I have already tried (surgery & radiation) but there are things I can do to slow it down. That means that I can fight it knowing that each year I get increases the chance that something new will be developed to give me even more time.

This is a good place to be and I want to enjoy it for as long as I can.

Posted by Doug

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Today I gave blood. Not for any altruistic reasons (I don’t think they would accept my blood any more) but in preparation for my 3 month, post-radiation PSA check. It’s been quite a wait and next week I get the results. If my PSA is unchanged or higher than before my treatments, then I guess they didn’t work and I went through it all for nothing. If it’s back to “undetectable” then the treatment worked and I could be cured or their still could be microscopic cancer cells elsewhere in my body that could flare up later. I won’t know until they do or don’t.

I have been coping with the wait by working hard…..keeping busy, knowing that my subconscious mind was chewing on the “what if’s”. It’s been okay, really. Most of the shock of recurrence and the fear of the possibilities assaulted my peace and self-confidence when I was re-diagnosed. I haven’t really accepted it, but I have learned to live with it (I think). I’ll know better how I have really handled it after my appointment next week. But after doing all that I could to learn my options and take action, there really isn’t anything else I can do. It becomes all about coping and adapting…. learning to live with cancer. At times I feel it has made me stronger and at times I wonder if I am strong enough.

Wish me luck.

Posted by Doug

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