talkingaboutcancer.com

I was speaking with Dr. Rob Buckman recently and, as always, it was meaningful, touching and uplifting. While I strive to find out what next-big-thing he is up to, it is hard to do that because he always manages to center the conversation on you. His level of interest and genuine compassion is almost intoxicating and, for someone with cancer, he can help you see things that are sometimes hazy or, all too often, beyond our grasp - things like hope, perspective and a sense of humor.

I mention this because it is very difficult to find people to talk about how you feel, how you can cope, or to talk through the difficult decision-making process around treatment. Some of us have “cancer buddies” or support groups or just plain good-old-friends who seem to understand. These confidants don’t have to be doctors or even know very much about cancer. All they really need is the capacity to listen and the ability to empathize. Most of the time, we just need to talk things out and it is the talking that is therapeutic. But talking to someone who isn’t listening, who isn’t opening their heart to yours, just doesn’t cut it.

The world needs more listeners, more empathizers, more people like Rob Buckman. If you have friends or loved ones who have cancer, please remember that all it takes is a willingness to listen and an open heart. Reach out to them. Be a true friend.

Rob tells me I’m handling things “perfectly”. Maybe I am (although there are times I wonder) but it made me feel good to hear him say it. He is a good listener and I am honored to call him my friend.

Posted by Doug

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Happy Mother’s Day! This weekend was all about family and, like many others, we spent it together with my mother and my brother and his wife. It was great to be in the company of people who love you on a day that celebrates life. For me, this day had a special significance given the fight that I am in. Having cancer puts a whole new perspective on life and, in particular, what’s really important. Family is important. Love is very important. Knowing that people love you and care for you is one of the great gifts of life. But while I can bask in the love of my family and enjoy the day (as I now try to enjoy every single day), I know that there is a tension in the air.

I don’t really need to talk about it all the time, because I know that they care, but I know that it is on everyone’s mind. They want to say something, but they don’t know what to say, so it goes unsaid.  And while we enjoy our time together, laughing and reminiscing, all that is unspoken hangs in the air.  My wife calls it the elephant in the room.

All we really need is for our loved ones to ask, “How are you doing?” That is enough to show their concern and interest and leaves it to us to decide what to say and how much to say.  We can dive right in if that’s what we feel we want or need, or we can keep it short and sweet.  That takes the pressure off of everyone.  It doesn’t require more than that.

We are all in this together and we need to be open and communicate.  It is always tough to know what to say, but all you really need to do is ask.

Posted by Doug

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There’s something about the word CANCER. When we hear that someone has cancer (regardless of the type or the prognosis) we drop our shoulders, tilt our heads and go, “Ooooohhhhh.” When we hear that we have cancer, our heart stops and we become deer in the headlights, imagining all of the horrors that we will be faced with - sugery, radiation, chemotherapy, weakness……. death. A lot of this is just ignorance, because few people know much about the 200+ kinds of cancer, staging, etc., but some of it is just the fact that the word itself has become synonymous with disease and, yes, with death. I see this all the time in the way that people react to the fact of my cancer, in the way they talk about it. People say, “you’ll be fine,” but they don’t know; they just want to make you feel better - or maybe it makes them feel better. I try to explain, as simply as I can, what is going on with me so they can understand the context of my feelings. For the most part, people take it well, even if they don’t know what to say, and I feel better for the sharing. But we have a long way to go.

This blog strives to help people understand the emotional impact of cancer so that they can be supportive and give strength to their friends and loved ones with cancer. For cancer survivors and those with cancer, it can show that they are not alone and they can derive strength from others who have been in their shoes.

I believe that anyone faced with a life-threatening illness experiences many of the same emotional stresses but that over-reaching specter of cancer adds another dimension by enveloping everyone close to us with a shared fear. This is why knowledge and understanding are so important. The doctors can fight the physical disease but we ourselves must fight the emotional disease by being open about what we are feeling and by helping others understand.

Cancer is not always a death sentence. It can be if it isn’t treated, but more than half the people diagnosed and treated will survive, some with little or no residual effect (at least physically). Rob Buckman discusses this in his book, Cancer is a word, not a sentence, by clearly explaining the impacts and outcomes of the different cancers.  If we can better understand this and help others to understand, perhaps we can lessen the emotional stress and the pervasive feeling of gloom that prevents us from dealing with it in a more realistic way.

So read through all of the posts and comments on this site and visit the links we have posted, and follow the links on those sites.  Read the books that are recommended and lend them to your friends and family.  There are many of us out here who want to help.  Post your comments so we can all benefit from your experience and insight.

Let’s talk.

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Reading Lori Hope’s book ( see previous post) really highlighted for me how awkward it is when the subject of cancer comes up.  It’s one thing to talk about other people, but when it’s you or the person you are talking to who has cancer, it’s a whole different ball game.  When I was first diagnosed, I eventually told a lot of people and I was amazed at the variety of responses.  Some friends who I thought would be very empathetic and supportive were very uncomfortable talking about it while some casual acquaintances were amazingly warm and, well…. energizing.

I don’t really know what I expected, but I learned first hand what an uncomfortable thing cancer was.  It really is the elephant in the room.  If you have cancer, it is always on your mind, but I think other people don’t even want to talk about it.  Sure, friends and family want to know how you are and want to be supportive but, let’s face it, its not a happy topic.  Sometimes we don’t want to talk about it at all, but sometimes we just want the people we care for to acknowledge our pain.

So what do you say to someone you know who has cancer?  I’m sorry…..? You look good……? How are you feeling….?  If you have cancer, what do you want to hear from your friends.  Let’s hear your thoughts.

 Posted by Doug

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I just finished a fabulous book written by Lori Hope, a lung cancer survivor, entitled help me live … 20 things people with cancer want you to know. Lori wrote the book based on the results of a survey she conducted and the stories of many, many people whose lives she has touched through personal relationships, interviews and her extensive speaking engagements. As a cancer survivor herself, she has had a front row seat to many of the experiences she writes about, and this personal perspective gives the book a very special intimacy.

Notionally, the book is written for the family, friends and acquaintances of people with cancer but, as I read it, I could see my own experiences as a cancer patient and survivor mirrored in the stories of so many others. In so doing, it gave me strength from knowing that I am not alone.

Lori is one of the good people who has chosen to turn her own experience with his horrible disease into a positive force for helping all of us to cope and to live. I highly recommend this book to everyone touched by cancer. Check out Lori’s site at www.lorihope.com.

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