talkingaboutcancer.com

Hi everyone.  I’m back after some well-needed vacation and am anxious to reconnect with you all.  I hope you are enjoying what little summer mother nature has given us.  Since I last posted, we have lost Farrah (overshadowed somewhat by Michael Jackson’s death).  This was not unexpected but it is great loss to all of us in the cancer community.

Today, I would like to talk about acceptance.  This is a major issue for anyone with a serious personal crisis but particularly for those who live with cancer.  Acceptance does not mean giving up or giving in but simply recognizing and deciding to live with the cards you are dealt.  It has been about a year since I was diagnosed with advanced metastatic cancer and, over this period, I have been on a roller-coaster of treatments, pain and side effects.  It has been enough to beat anyone down.  I’ve tried not to let it, but there have been times that I have dispaired of ever feeling “good” again.  It has been physically and emotionally trying to say the least.  But a month or so ago, I started thinking about trying to put all of this aside and to start doing things again. I was afraid, however, that I was slipping into denial, one of the most dangerous things any of us can do.  So I visited my psychologist to get his opinion.  He knows me very well, having been on this journey with me for almost seven years.  It was he who told me earlier that I was going through the “existential experience of living and dying at the same time,” which gave much-needed context to what I was going through.

He explained to me that this was a normal and healthy stage in the whole process of living with cancer.  I was finally coming to “accept” the fact that I couldn’t do any more than I was doing about my disease and that I could give myself a break and really try to enjoy life, even though I may not be able to do all the things that I used to.  Denial is moving on without recognizing and adapting to the fact that things are not the way they used to be.  Acceptance is moving on in spite of that fact.

As an example, I had, up to that point, been holding off on committing to my annual kayaking and camping trip with my buddies but now I was ready to take it on.  I told my buddies that I was going even if they had to carry me up the rocks!  They were very supportive and pleased that I was willing to try.  I knew it would be hard on me but I was willing to accept that.  So I went and had a wonderful time (just this past week).  As expected, it was very hard on me and I spent a good deal of time resting in my tent.  Paddling on the river and through heavy-duty waves hurt like hell but I was thrilled nonetheless.  Unfortunately, I blew out my knee and came home (as my dear wife pointed out) “broken”, which had nothing to do with cancer except that it may have been attributed to my general lack of muscle tone from hormone treatments and my inability to exercise as I once had.  In a bizarre way, though, it’s almost nice to have something other than cancer to worry about.  Nuts, eh?

I don’t think that I will be able to do this trip next year and will have to satisfy myself with shorter trips on calmer waters.  But I did it and I’m glad I did.  Some people had difficulty undertanding why or how I would do this to myself but, as I told them, there are just some things that you need to do.  Acceptance allowed me the freedom to do it and to experience the soul-enriching experience of being in the wilds and on the water.  It was truly liberating!

Life is a gift and it is here for us to experience, regardless of our physical limitations.  We all need to embrace it and try to wrestle as much adventure out of it as we can.  If you are living with cancer, at some point you need to find a way to accept it and to move on, not in denial, but in the spirit of truly “living”.  If your loved ones have cancer, you need to encourage them and support them as much as you can.  Don’t tell them to “get over it”.  Be patient and understanding and help them along.  And when they finally reach acceptance, join them in the adventure.

So what if it hurts?  Accept it!

Posted by Doug

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