talkingaboutcancer.com

Today is Fri. Feb. 27/09.   I am Doug’s wife.  He is and always will be the love of my life.  If you have been reading his blogs you will know him pretty well.  I finally got up enough courage to write a blog on his site today.  Today he is going down to the hospital to have his PSA checked again.   He hasn’t been writing much on his blog lately because he’s been feeling really sick from what we think is a reaction to the hormone injections he has been getting…for 7 months now.  For those of you who don’t know, he has advanced metastatic prostate cancer and has gone through surgery,  33 + 5 bouts of radiation, HIFU (hight intensity focused ultrasound), and is on morphine and several other drugs…his top drawer if full of them…each one needs another one to counteract its affect. 

I am writing as a wife and caregiver.  I was my sister Judy’s caregiver until she passed from metastatic melanoma.  Then I was a caregiver to my sister-in-law Ruth while she successfully battled breast cancer.  As my husband’s caregiver I find it affects me in a totally different way…it is all consuming, never ending, and heartbreaking. 

I met Doug 33 years ago and after our first date we were engaged within 2 weeks, married within the year and have been very happily married for almost 32 years this July.  I consider him my soul mate.  He is one of the smartest, most sincere, kindest and compassionate people I have ever met.  He has such a love of family,home and nature.   He has a passion for kayaking and loving the environment.  For years now he and a few buddies have gone on a kayaking trip every summer…even though he is now planning for the trip, I worry if he will be well enough to go this year.  Here is why.

He requires hormone therapy to kill off the cancer that is flowing throughout his body and has been on this regime for 7 months now.  The trouble is he is having a severe reaction to the hormones…severe bone pain and numbness throughout his body, fatigue, headaches… By the end of the work day (yes, he is still working full time and doing an absolutely amazing job), he is so tired and in pain he just wants to come home and either go to bed or sit in his special chair … normal chairs are painful for him to sit in so we purchased a very comfortable one a few months ago.  Now I ask you, how can he kayak for hours, empty the kayak, portage, set up camp, etc, etc.? 

Cancer strips you of so many things…it brings such pain to the cancer patient and their families.  Doug always dreamed of kayaking in exotic places…now he dreams of a pain free day.  It is so hard as a wife and caregiver to watch this happening to our loved ones and be unable to do much to help.  As a Mom (to two grown children), I could always find a way to make the hurts go away or to make them feel better and get better…as a caregiver to someone with cancer I find this  inability to help in the ways that I am used to (and to make a difference) very difficult. 

We now take each day as it comes and make the most of all the days we have…even if its just holding hands and watching a movie or a look, a kiss or a smile. 

Doug is thinking of going off of the hormones for a while, with PSA tests in between, to see if he can start to feel a little better and have some quality of life.  Of course, going off the hormones means that the cancer can start to grow again and move somewhere else… We have a long journey ahead of us…that is the one thing I have learned about cancer…it is a journey, not one that you would choose, and the rules change all the time, sometimes without warning and you must be able to somehow find it in you to make those changes.  There is no longer anything you can call “normal” in your life.  “Normal” changes from day to day. 

I have been blessed to have this wonderful man in my life for so many years and I intend to do everything to make our journey through this world of cancer as smooth and loving as I can.

I will write more again…I found this very uplifting.  My best wishes to all who read this and are or have experienced what we are going through.

Posted by Dianne

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