Protecting Your Loved Ones?
Nov 1st 2008PostmasterCommunication & Family
I had another great chat with my friend and counselor, Andrew, yesterday and he gave me some good advice that I wanted to share with you all.
As I look ahead to what the future may bring for me, I worry enormously about the impact it will have on my wife and kids, particularly my dear wife who is my soul mate and who truly is the most important person in my life. I know this is normal for two people who love each other as much as we do, but a critical or terminal illness significantly complicates any relationship. I worry more about her and her future than I do about me. I mean that. I have this disease and it sucks, but I have to deal with it and I will deal with it. But for Dianne, she is like an innocent victim and I can’t help but feel responsible in a big way for the impact it has on her. So I am constantly worried about sharing with her how I feel and, in particular, of showing my emotions when she is feeling raw herself. I just don’t want to upset her any more than she already is. I don’t want to compound things. But Andrew put it in perspective for me.
He said that I needed to talk when I have to and show my emotions when I’m feeling them, no matter how Dianne is feeling at the time. Dianne has to experience her own fear and grief, and sharing that with me is an important part of coping. But that goes both ways. She needs to see and feel what I’m feeling so that we can both develop the strength to deal with whatever will come. He suggested that it might, at times, spiral out of control a bit, but that was okay. We would handle it and we would be stronger for it.
There have been many bumps and heartaches on this long journey and there are many more to come. I am blessed that I don’t have to travel it alone. And if I can do it openly and honestly, it will be better for both of us.
Thanks Andrew. You have lifted a burden off both of us. For anyone else out there in the same boat, don’t fear to share.
Posted by Doug
2 Comments »
One Mother With Cancer on 07 Nov 2008 at 12:00 pm #
Thank you so much for this post.
I had to go home yesterday, and wake up my husband to tell him that my cancer may have returned (I won’t know for sure for two weeks). I did the same thing as last time, tried to remain brave, not let him see me cry, crack jokes to try to lighten the mood.
I had barely read a few sentences of this post, and I was crying like a baby. I’ll have to remember this for the future.
Postmaster on 09 Nov 2008 at 5:37 pm #
So now you have me crying! I wrestle with this all the time and always wonder whether I’m doing the right thing. I’ve minimized, put on a happy face, deflected, sucked it all in…. and even held back for the right time to tell. I don’t know what the right answer is except you have to share openly and honestly. Just the other night, I had a bad evening dealing with some of my drug side effects which caused a bit of a melt down just like Andrew warned. We dealt with it and got past it, but it was a glimpse of a very scary, potential future.
Thanks again for sharing and best of luck with the next round of tests. I know you know, just like I know my situation, but we’ve gotta have hope!
Doug