Friends Indeed
Jan 13th 2008PostmasterFriends
This past holiday season was, as always, a great time to get together with friends. Being diagnosed with cancer, and experiencing how different people react, causes you to really think about who your real friends are, what you need to get from a friendship, and how you want to be as a friend. Some of the recent comments on this site have dealt with friends who have deserted and the terrible feelings of loss this brings at a time when we are most vulnerable.
Having cancer convinced me to turn my back on “toxic personalities”, people who sucked my energy without giving anything back. But I was also surprised by how some people, who I thought were really close, seemed to distance themselves from me. Equally surprising was how some, more casual friends really stepped up and showed me an incredible amount of compassion. I decided then to focus on a smaller number of friends and to concentrate on being a good friend to them. So while I love being with people, I will always choose a small gathering at a friend’s house over a party. And you know what….. it works. I miss some of my old friendships but I am getting so much out of my current ones (including some long-standing ones) that I know I’ve made the right decision. Having said this, I still have lots of more casual friends and will always, always have room in my life for new friends.
To all my friends, past and present, I say thank you for being a part of my life. To all of the new people I am meeting, including some very special friends that I have met through this blog, I say thank you for coming into my life.
Posted by Doug
1 Comment »
Fran on 21 Jan 2008 at 12:26 am #
Dear Doug,
No, Doug, thank you for coming into my life !!!! Finding this site has been a pleasure since the day I accidentally discovered it through another site. I love the honest discussion, and the freedom I have to say how I feel.
This is different from many of my “friends” who, a few months after my initial surgery after being diagnosed with Breast Cancer, completely “disappeared” from my life. I had thought this was one of the hardest things I had to endure, but now have changed my feelings about this because I now know who my true friends are — those who are still with me, or who have come into my life since the complications began. I didn’t realize, at first, how the toxic relationships I had thought I treasured, were harming me and I longed for the company I thought they were providing. Then I discovered the wonders of what “truth and honesty” can do to bond people, and especially those who are going through the same experiences I am going through.
I believed, at one time, that friends and family were the most important people in my life, until I met so many wonderful people on sites such as this, who were not afraid to be open. This has allowed me the freedom to do the same thing. This is such a cathartic exercise, to be free to say how I am feeling, good or bad, without fear of being judged. I have learned so much about myself, things that have come as a surprise to me — especially that I enjoy being with those who have walked in the same shoes as I am walking now. I did not ask for this disease of CANCER, nor did I expect it, but it has brought me closer to many who share my need to feel comraderie and companionship. That is what my need is now, more than ever, and I find the more I open my heart to others they bless me with sharing themselves, their true selves, not the shallow relationships of those “fair weather” individuals that eventually came to hurt me, my spirit, and my desire to be myself.
I have lost a brother to this disease, on New Year’s Eve, someone I was very close with and it nearly broke my heart. I came to this site and others like it and talked about how I felt, and received such a warm response of empathy and compassion at a time when I felt a part of me was missing. But through this, I found I could go on and celebrate his life, instead of mourning it, and for that I thank you all. I cannot imagine how it would be to feel the void of not having a place to come and share, and that is one of the reasons I love visiting here, it is about emotions and feelings we all experience, no matter what they are, with a common thread.
Another thing I have discovered about myelf is my capacity to give freely of my heart and to help others to open their hearts and be free of the constraints we have all felt. I find the more I give, the more I receive and you have all helped me to see that my life has true value — I am more than my missing parts, I am a living, breathing human being with love for others and who love me in return. I thank all of you for giving me that gift of discovery, and for your commitment to continue.
Fran