Cancer, Cancer, Everywhere
Sep 20th 2007PostmasterFamily & Grief
I personally was not diagnosed with cancer, but I am a victim of this horrible disease. Too many of my relatives, including my husband, sister, and sister-in law have been hit with cancer. As a small child, both of my grandfathers died from cancer. One had lung cancer that spread to his bones, the other had leukemia. At the time, I didn’t quite understand what “cancer” was or meant. Whenever my parents or anyone else spoke of “cancer” it was with hushed tones…why? I just knew I didn’t want it.
As the years passed, and cancer didn’t impact on my family or friends, life was good. Cancer didn’t seem quite as scary for a while.
Then, in the fall of 1996 my sister was diagnosed with what we thought was lung cancer. She called me to tell me something was off about her tests and further investigation was required. The biopsy she had showed that she had cancer and required the removal of part of her lung. She was pretty scared. We were all very hopeful, but then got the news that the cancer was actually melanoma that had metastasized. Our world was about to change in a very big way. My wonderful husband arranged for our family to move back to Toronto, where my sister lived, and rented the house next door to her. This enabled me to go back and forth with ease to help her and her family. You have to understand how I felt about her…she was really like a Mom to me…I couldn’t lose her…we were going to grow old together. In Sept of 1997 she lost her battle with cancer. Everything has changed now that she is gone. The impact of losing her affected many people. She was a truly loved and remarkable woman. She was the core that held our side of the family together and now that is gone. I miss her so much and not a day goes by that she isn’t in my thoughts. Cancer changes families. It’s like a hurricane that lands with mass destruction and takes away whatever it wants. This Sept is the 10th anniversary of her passing…it doesn’t feel that long. Life does go on. Her husband remarried. Her children married and now have their own children. She would have been a great grandmother. My sister lives on in all of our hearts.
Since then, my sister-in-law and my husband have been diagnosed with cancer. Thankfully, they are still with me and I never take for granted the time we have together. My fear in life is that if I should ever get cancer, will there be someone there to take care of me?
Posted by Dianne (guest post)
2 Comments »
Meghan on 01 Oct 2007 at 10:46 pm #
I too, have not been diagnosed with cancer, but my life has been forever altered by that dreaded c-word. My mother died of cancer and a day doesn’t go by without thinking of it. It was the worst thing that has ever happened to me.
The grieving period is an interesting process. Everyone grieves differently. There is no magic pill or special cure, and nothing will bring that person back. There are a few things you can do to help yourself:
1. Express Yourself.
It helps to write in a journal all about your loved one, or write the person a letter saying the things you wish you could say. Create a photo album, scrapbook or artwork about the person. Create an appropriate memorial in their honour (name something after them, get a plaque made for a special park bench, or favourite place); get involved in a cause or organization that was important to them; cook their favourite recipes, and pass them along to others; or write about it online on a site like this!
2. Own Your OWN Emotions.
I recall being upset about something, and my mom saying to me, “Meghan, you can make a heaven or hell out of this, it’s up to you what you make of it”. I think about that all the time. Why would I want to make anything a hell – it seems like heaven is the obvious choice. All I know, that whatever you feel, just don’t let other people tell you how you are SUPPOSED to feel, and don’t tell yourself how to feel, either. YOUR GRIEF IS YOUR OWN, and no one else can tell you when it’s time to “move on” or “get over it.” It’s been ten years already and I still burst into tears sometimes. It’s also okay to laugh, too. Humour can be a great outlet, and don’t feel guilty about it. You own your own emotions.
3. Let’s Get Physical.
Take care of yourself, a la Olivia Newton-John. This one can be tough to do when you are really upset. But it’s important to get enough sleep, eat well, and get regular exercise. Exercise can do wonders for your emotions! Avoid drinking alcohol or drugs because it will just make it worse! And in the morning you’ll just be sad AND hungover. What’s the point?
4. Ask for Help.
I remember people calling me and asking ‘is there anything I can do?’ or ‘let me know what I can do’. I never once asked for help. I thought I could do everything on my own. Well, don’t be afraid to just come right out and say it. When you need something just ask for it. People really DO want to help you if they can. But also remember people are busy and it’s no reflection on you if they don’t realize how you must be feeling, or if they don’t step up to the plate. Not everyone knows what to say or what to do. I received care from the least likely candidates. I recall getting a huge pot of perogies and cabbage rolls on my front step from someone I hardly knew!
5. Help Others.
Having gone through something tragic will make you more able to help other people. After my mom died, I looked for new work doing something more meaningful. I started a new job at Kids Help Phone, and last year we helped more than 1.5 million kids. Give back whenever you can. It feels good, you are probably good AT it, and it feels good for the person receiving the help.
6. Expect the Unexpected.
Those dreaded milestones…birthdays, anniversaries, holidays, will always remind you of your loved ones. Get ready for a sideswipe when you are least expecting it. So I’m saying start expecting it, and get ready to handle the emotional rollercoaster you might go on. Talk to the people you will be sharing these milestones with and come up with a plan together. Take time out of your day to honour your loved one, or let people know you just want to be alone. Don’t be hard on yourself if you feel grumpy, frustrated, agitated on some of those important milestones.
Meghan
Postmaster on 23 Oct 2007 at 11:33 pm #
Thanks Meghan. As a cancer survivor, it is all to easy to think that the milestones are all ours. It is so important for all of us to realize that our loved ones share those milestones and that they face them with just as much trepidation. Cancer really is a disease that affects more than just those of us with the cell mutations and tumors. You have been horribly impacted and are a true survivor yourself. You honor your mother with your compassion.
Doug