Sometimes it gets to be too much
Feb 23rd 2010PostmasterIn Treatment & Quality of Life
I had a strange experience the other day. It surprised me and, I admit, scared me a bit.
I was scheduled for another MRI to see if we could find a new metastasis that might explain the pain in my back. This is a normal thing for anyone fighting a disease that is progressing as mine is. I’d already had a bone scan and a triple CT scan so this was the last one. I was looking forward to it because I have a need to see something so I can fight it, even if I can’t cure it (something for another post). During that day, I was feeling a bit anxious but it was a general anxiety rather than anything specific related to the scan. But I only got as far as laying down on the MRI bed when I realized that I just couldn’t do it. I knew in my heart that if they locked down that box around my head and pushed me into that tube, I would freak out. So I politely told the technician what was happening, apologized and walked out. As I walked up to Dianne, who had come down to support me, I was overcome by a wave of pure, raw emotion and I could see it wash over Dianne as well. I felt like crying and she looked so… confused. She couldn’t believe it and I couldn’t explain it. We left the hospital in a state of shock.
Later, we were able to regroup with our good friend Gayla and analyzed what had happened. It was simple really. I’m just overwhelmed. Since before Christmas when my PSA started rising quickly, I have been obsessing over what is happening to me and pushing hard to find some more cancer so I can beat up on it. I guess that’s normal, but it was quickly becoming too much. I was already dealing with some severe drug side effects and a bunch of other things and it was all just too much.
So I’ve had a bad couple of weeks. It happens. This whole thing sucks and some days are worse than others. It’s the gift of cancer. The kind that, unfortunately, keeps on giving.
I told myself to give it a rest and, for once, I think I’ll take my own advice before it gets any worse.
And it’s so hard on Dianne. I’m sorry, honey.
Posted by Doug
2 Comments »
dianne on 24 Feb 2010 at 12:37 am #
I’m sorry too honey. I love you.
Russ on 17 Mar 2010 at 3:08 pm #
I think that anyone can appreciate that “sometimes it gets to be too much”. This is true for all of us – even those fortunate enough to be blessed with good health.
What is more amazing to me is that you have so few days like this.
When I think of all that you’ve accomplished, and continue to accomplish, despite what the cancer to doing to your body, I am quite frankly amazed!
- You have written a book about your cancer experience (a truly wonderful and insightful book, by the way)
- You are a successful executive in a very demanding job, which often requires travel and client visits
- You have been on the CBC’s Andy Barrie radio show to share you experience
- You are a great husband to Dianne
- You are a great father to Caralia and Sean
- You are a great son to your Mom
and those are just the visible and obvious things.
These are the truly amazing accomplishments of Doug Gosling and the legacy that will remain.
Those of us who care about you and Dianne only wish we could do more to help.
Hang in there Doug. Like the weather at this time of the year, there are better days ahead.